free will is an illusion?
Do you ever find yourself doing something and you stop and ask yourself, do I actually want to do this? Lately, I have been feeling this more than usual.
I had an old coworker, Jake, who would say, “free will is an illusion,” which always hit different sitting behind the walls of a cubical 9-5 Monday to Friday. We would laugh, look at our surroundings and take a deep sigh. Our smiles would fade and we would turn back to our screens.
I laughed it off because I didn’t want to think about it, nor do I truly believe that. I think there is some truth to it in many ways though. Sure, we need money, which means we need to work, which means we need to pay taxes, and so forth. It’s a feedback loop we can’t escape but without any parameters, what would we do? Life-purpose is crucial. Having a reason to get out of bed, whether that’s an office, a restaurant, a family, etc. I always feel better with a little structure, which I think is common.
I think that is one of the reasons why the pandemic was so hard for us. Suddenly, there was no structure, there was no schedule. No office to go to, no understanding of what was next. Just a body count online that went up each day, as the news told us, masks, no masks, masks, don’t drink bleach, stay inside.
Good times…
The pandemic was weird for all of us and it looked different for all of us. Some of us had a vacation from life, some of us lost loved ones, some of us worked tirelessly in hospitals. During the pandemic I moved home to Maryland to live with my mom for a few months before moving to Colorado to live with one of my closest friends for a few months. I also spent time in California and time with my grandmother in Florida.
During this time I had a day job that I absolutely despised and a boss that micromanaged. He made my days tedious, with endless slacks, emails and calls. I felt like a hamster on a wheel going nowhere fast. I know he meant well but the reality was we were understaffed and he had no idea what was happening. Sorry for the rant, I promise I will wrap this up…with a bow.
While I was micromanaged and felt trapped, this job was also the reason I was able to spend time at home with my mom and the reason I had the funds to purchase a car and drive across the country and back. I had quality time with my mom, my friend Meg, I saw national parks, from Rocky Mountain National Park, Bryce Canyon, to Zion, The Great Sand Dunes, Moab and more. I got to live with my grandmother for a month and learned more about her and my grandfather who had just passed.
These are memories I will cherish forever. So yeah, free will may be an illusion but we can still make decisions to make our lives as best as they can be. I needed this reminder. I guess I just typed it out of myself because I was feeling a little pity party when I started this. So thank you for letting me word vomit the negative out of me and share a reminder to you and to myself that…
Life’s what you make it so let’s make it rock- Hannah Montanna
HA, that was unhinged but that’s what I started singing as I typed this. Anyways, YOU rock for reading this. I love you, yes you. Go, eat a muffin, or a green juice and have a great fucking DAY!
XO,
Torey