I didn’t get drunk for a whole year
So everything starts with a why. One year ago today I woke up at 4AM in an AirBnB in Dallas, Texas. I was there for a bachelorette. My hands were trembling from dehydration, my belongings were strewn across the bedroom and I had a flight back to NYC in just a few hours. My head was pounding and I was replaying the events of the night before in my mind. Everything was blurry but I shuttered as I remembered puking in the bathroom of a fancy mexican restaurant and eating spilled queso off the top of a menu. Hilarious, but also ew..
The queso wasn’t the “why” but it was close. Lol, imagine if the reason I went sober was the shame of zamboning queso off of a menu? Anyways.. Aside from feeling like a human dumpster fire, when I looked at my phone to check the time, I saw that I had sent a slew of texts to someone I had dated in the past. I covered one eye and read the messages with the other and thought, really Torey.. Really? You can’t be doing this. While it may seem small, it was the straw that broke the camel's back.
I thought to myself, I feel absolutely horrible physically and mentally and I didn’t like how I had acted in general. This was the general theme when I drank too much, which wasn’t all the time, but enough to make me take a long hard look in the mirror. I decided that I wouldn’t drink until the wedding, which was at the end of April. To help me do this, I reached out to a good friend of mine who is sober. He lended me a book called, The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray. I loved everything this book had to say. It all really resonated with me. By the time the wedding rolled around, I thought, I don’t even want to drink. Most weddings I ended up wasted eating wedding cake with my hands. Fun? Yes, but usually woke up the next morning feeling like trash and praying I didn’t give myself diabetes.
This was the first wedding I remembered every single part of. The first wedding I was present and aware of everything going on around me. The first wedding I went to bed sober and woke up feeling fresh, smiling about the night before. Was the dance floor a little cringe at times? Sure. Were there moments, I thought … well this would probably be more fun if I was drinking, sure. Did I wake up the next day happy with my choices and evening overall, 100%. One of the most special moments of the night was being able to drive the couple to the after party. Time alone with a couple on their wedding day, priceless. This moment is something I wouldn’t have had if I had been drinking.
I know I am sharing a lot of details about one instance from a whole year of not drinking but this was a blueprint of the next 11 months. Were there moments that I thought could have been more fun in the moment with alcohol involved? Yes. But every morning when I made the choice to not drink I felt happy and in control of my life choices. I wasn’t foggy and I was able to enjoy niche moments that I wouldn’t have even thought about had I been drinking.
Being sober makes you find the little things and make those the big things. You focus on the people, the conversations, the small details you may have missed otherwise. It makes you focus on what is really important.
Sobriety also forced me to take a look at myself and my life. In the last 365 days, I couldn't run from my problems with drinking and I also couldn’t place blame on drinking. All of the choices I made, I made with a clear mind. I am happy with the life I built in the last 365 days.
Hitting the brakes on drinking is one of the best decisions I have made for myself. Since I was 16 I treated drinking as the main element of socializing, solving problems and more. This year forced me to have more tools to utilize instead of the booze bandaid I had been desperately holding on to. I now have tools that I can use to build a stronger foundation for the rest of my life.
Will I remain sober forever? Right now, I am not sure. I like to picture myself eating a nice Italian meal across from a good friend or someone I love slowly sipping a glass of red wine. I also like to picture myself never eating queso off a menu, so there is also that.
Regardless, I am happy with the last 365 days and I am looking forward to what's to come.
Thank you for reading.